im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
