I puked a lego.
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Randomize
