new low.... made out with someone while peeing
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Randomize
