somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I am spending my child support on dildos
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
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