I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
