I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
you win again, gameday.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
