i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I can't turn off my feet"
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
