i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
