They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
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