I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
