even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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