i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Randomize