i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
