dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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