I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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