Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I supernannyed him into submission
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
