Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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