Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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