Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
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