I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
