What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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