You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
i came on her dog
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
