I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Randomize
