you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
It's official drugs can't kill me
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
