How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
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