Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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