I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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