i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
