you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
