Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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