Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize