I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
Randomize
