I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
