I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Randomize
