We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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