but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
I want to make a zoo with you.
I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
