Small penises have feelings too.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
