Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
