Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Randomize
