TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
