Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
