i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Are my feet made of real feet?
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
