Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Randomize
