So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize