weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
