Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Randomize
