ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
