connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Randomize
