Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
