when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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