Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
