my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
