wanna go halves on a baby?
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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