I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
