Pants 0. Shit 1.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Omg I joined a choir last night...
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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