i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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