i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
then he tried to convert me to islam
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
