I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Randomize
