There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Randomize
