a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
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